yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
