I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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