Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
