I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
