cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
