I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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