I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
