Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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