ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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