May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
