If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
