then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
