Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
