The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
