I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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