I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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