There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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