Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
