Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
