i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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