What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
