I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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