im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
