guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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