It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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