You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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