i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
