I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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