it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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