Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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