I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
