someone get that fucking seahorse.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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