I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
