Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
