life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
