I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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