he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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