Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
