My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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