do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
