is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
