please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
