If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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