Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
