I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
