i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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