heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
