I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
