I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
