the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
