Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
